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  She kept seeing Fabrizio, but their meetings often turned into repetitive and monotonous moments, in which he had less and less new topics to talk about and she felt that the interest in him waned, as a child to whom the doll received for Christmas was beginning to appear less fantastic than they had dreamed. Sometimes I had the impression that Fabrizio was satisfied that his purpose was to approach her and establish a relationship, but not to cultivate it and grow it up to get something really important for both. Some other times it seemed instead that he was waiting, as if waiting for Simon to make the first move ... although he would not know what to say.

  Another reason for concern was his mother. Isa had clearly changed his attitude towards the evening when Simon was the first time out with Fabrizio. There was no attitude or speech gliel'avessero in particular that did understand, but it was a set of clues, starting from the expression perpetually pensive gaze and lost, as if Isa was fighting a personal, intimate battle against some unmentionable problem . At times he feared that Simon was hiding some information about the health of his father, but he was pretty sure that instead the focus was her and her affair with Fabrizio.

  To worsen things permanently, transforming simple observations and concerns in a hopeless mess, Simon came to suspect that she is pregnant. He had never had more than one day late with the menstrual cycle, something which boasted Erika like action worthy of merit and dependent on his will. Thus, when the Friday of that week, he realized that his "friends" should have been present for at least three days, was absolutely certain that Fabrizio had left a gift for Valentine's Day he had not anticipated.

  There was a reason why he had that certainty, but would have bet his life that he was wrong. On one side was the rational perception of something that was wrong as usual in his body, feeling that resembled those he experienced every month, but the same points of novelty. The other was the less rational belief that an unwanted pregnancy was problematic and the punishment for his stupid behavior. It was red hot for a guy that knew nothing objectively, in response to an instinct, an instinct, a strong and compelling, but still far from irrational and caution with which he had always endeavored to relationships with boys. She let herself go, beyond any imagination, and had broken the most important friendship of his life because Erika had noted its light weight: only then he realized how his violent reaction could have been caused by the realization that her friend was right, and anger for not wanting to admit to herself that you are wrong.

  So fate, that kept the balance in the world and made it always had, made her fall into despair, after she had sold off a bunch of roses and a romantic dinner in the moonlight. Not only that, but put in a difficult situation without giving her the opportunity to confide with Erika, who would leave in its stock - and how could he blame her - forcing her to broach the subject with her mother, who certainly would not have accepted the Can the good news.

  Any news , thought Simon on Saturday morning, unable to pay attention to the explanation of the teacher and concentrating for a sense of slight wetness between her legs. Because she did not have that one, hope that ultimately could be the first major delay of his life, and nothing more. He would no longer bragging regularity of your cycle.

  Promised.

  ***

  When she was a child, will have had eight or nine years, Simon was the influence and hit a fever with peaks of more than forty degree weather. At such moments he felt a great confusion and had the impression of seeing and hearing things that did not exist, but did not speak to Mom and Dad for fear that the sgridassero. When the fever went down a little was better, but lived the same as in a muffled world, differently, as if it was on the fringes, rather than inside.

  One day, at that time, went to pee, while Isa was preparing the potato gnocchi - she remembered the embarrassment that arose from what happened. Sitting on the toilet, prey influence and sense of loss that it caused, it seemed that the pee faticasse out, as if his butterfly , as she called her mother, had closed. The idea terrified the: as he would not be able to pee? It would be dead or, worse, would have to take her to the doctor to re-open the hole!

  It was covered with race and had slingshots from his mother. When he found his strength in his sight had failed and the fear was only narrowly failed to win sull'imbarazzo. Isa had told her horrifying discovery, blushing, and keeping his eyes down, he knew that it was strange to talk about those things, the butterfly was a secret thing like the penis of children. Also had told her friend to school.

  Now, lying on the bed in his room, ten years old, felt rise within him the child she had been then. The context had changed dramatically, but after all the parties involved and the situation was the same: he should speak with the possibility that his mother was putting a child in the yard, the son of a boy who had been known for a few days. He should talk more about his butterfly , in a sense.

  He thought a thousand alternatives, but none seemed to her good. Erika was out and Fabrizio would have run like hell: as different from other boys, he would never accept to become a father at twenty ... provided that she was his true age, since no gliel'aveva ever spoken. Even visiting a doctor was a possibility that Simon had rejected, first because it would have been even more embarrassed and second because Dr. Masoli was not the professional who would keep the secret: it would go well if he had been told only his mother, but probably within a few days would know half the town.

  Then, the solution to confide in Isa was preferred because, though he could take it badly, and his mother still remained the last word was a word of comfort and support. As a woman, then, was not ruled out that might help her to open their eyes and discover that his suspicion was unfounded to be pregnant, the same way, years ago, after giving her a look between her legs, the had disheveled hair and with a loving smile, had said: "It's okay, honey. Vai and play. "

  ***

  Isa was just out of the bathroom when Simon saw coming towards her with a strange expression. He had the advantage of knowing many more things, details that her daughter did not know, and that he expected the inevitable arrival of that moment, and then immediately had the certainty of knowing what he heard. He tried to reach the right mindset and hoped not to fall into error. It was the life of both, probably.

  "Mom, you have a moment?" He asked softly with Simona. The eyes were small and dull, and his eyebrows were drawn like a cartoon character, very sad. She wore a simple pajamas and no shoes on, which gave the impression that he was even sick.

  "Sure," said Isa, realizing that seem unnatural. The first thing he would say in a normal situation would be "What's wrong?" Because it was clear that Simon was afflicted by a serious problem. Just for that, however, seemed not to notice the reaction of the mother.

  "I tell you something?" Simon continued, with those introductory questions that he hoped to delay as much as possible the moment when she had to spit it out. It was not yet fully convinced of his decision, but the die was cast.

  "What is it?" Isa said softly, feeling fit within himself compassion and anger. She hoped that her daughter was reading the emotions in the face. "Come, let us sit in the room," he invited her, accompanying her in her room and sitting on the bed beside her. "Tell me."

  Simon was silent a few more seconds, without finding the strength to look his mother in the eye. Pajama pants pinched nervously, like a toglierne Pelucco, then folded his hands and took a breath. Isa waited patiently. "I have a late," he spat out finally.

  The room seemed to drop a silence more profound. Simona had expected and hoped with all of herself that her mother would say something, anything, even if it were to blame, because if he did not speak it meant that he was thinking and that they were forming in his mind pictures of her Fabrizio and do that thing . Simona is only then realized that maybe it was the embarrassment against Isa to frighten her, far more than the pregnancy itself.

  "I've never had before?" Asked his mother a surprise, calmly but rather neutral.

  "No," said Simona continuing to look to
the carpet placed beside the bed.

  "E. .." He hesitated, not knowing what terms to choose and trying not to bring out what was hiding inside. What they knew . "You have done something that could ...? I do not know ... "He swallowed. He did not think it would be so difficult.

  Simon blushed tremendously. It got to the point. His mother was asking her, not so implicitly, if he had had intercourse. "I think so," would only reply. He thought there was no need to specify when and with whom.

  "So you're pregnant?" Isa shot, sighing.

  "No," I almost cried Simon. Not withstand more tension and began to cry. "I mean, I do not know yet for sure, but I'm afraid ... Do not get mad, Mom, I'm stupid, but I need help, do not know how ... "

  "I'm not upset" the mother reassured her, putting his arm around her shoulders. "I'm not angry."

  The understanding of Isa, contrasting with the disappointment that was expected, made her cry even more. "So what? What should I do? Let's do the analysis? And if you confirm? "

  "Let's see," suggested his mother, calmly. "We're waiting."

  "Wait what?" Simon turned to look at for the first time since they were sitting on the bed.

  "Sometimes there are delays that are not know as they say, natural, not necessarily related to pregnancy. It can also happen that you are not at all. Maybe you're stressed, the school, the last year, the tests ... »

  "No, Mom. Not that, I have no problems ... although I'd like to give me this explanation. "

  "It's okay, we still have to wait. Do not say anything to anyone, neither Erika nor the father ... at that time we will have the opportunity and we will have time to prepare, always ... "

  Simon was thinking that it would have trouble keeping it a secret from Erika and thought that the argument with her friend could be a source of stress that justify the physical reaction of his delay. Then, the hesitation of Isa had caught his attention. "Provided that?" The urged.

  "I do not want to scare you, but if you were pregnant ..." and that word he noticed his daughter's face that changes color and his lips were trembling, "... see, the first pregnancy is often difficult, I often heard even young girls who do not carry it out because in the first month, even in the first weeks, the higher the risk of losing ... what it is. "

  Simon was stunned. "But .." he began, and wanted to vent his disapproval of her mother's words, he was describing the possibility of a miscarriage as a providential event and an opportunity to resolve the problem and insabbiarlo. However he stopped, realizing that in his request for relief to the mother and her attitude was clearly desperate she was to convey the idea that did not want to have a child.

  The fact was that, too focused on the thought of how and when to tell her mother, had not found time to reflect on what he meant to do her first. There were two alternatives: to keep the baby, even if it means doing it alone and let go of Fabricius, or abortion, which is believed to want to exclude a priori a number of reasons. The third possibility was that he had exposed and Isa would be a middle ground, but the way in which he was presented to Simon seemed too much like a hope.

  "I'm not saying it definitely will happen" specifically his mother reading them in the eye. "But you can take into account and therefore does not make sense to put forward now by going to shake your father and talk to people ... at that time will be around. "

  At this answer Simon liked best. There remained, however, wonder at the reaction of his mother, who had proved almost beyond understanding. He waited, as he had recommended her, and felt much better at the thought of postponing the day that should have made the news official. To give her strength, then, was the knowledge that you have found a strong ally in Isa, which would help in difficulties as a mother and friend. The only option was a doubt. "And Fabrizio?" He asked. "To him I say something?" Imagined that the answer was the same: to wait.

  "I was just telling you. He must say absolutely, "said Isa instead. It did not seem entirely convinced of his words, as if they were out before he could stop them.

  "Tell him that I suspect she is pregnant? And if it is not true? Should not I at least see it before? "

  "Tell him that you're sure to be one. See how you react, you get an idea. And if you will only be a flash in the pan ... "

  "But if you are scared for no reason? I'm afraid of losing it, I ... "

  "He will not run" sanctioned Isa. "Take my advice: do not run away."

  His tone brooked no argument and Simona, confused but calm down, no more. Isa embraced and hugged for a few minutes until she said she had to get off to prepare dinner.

  ***

  If the time on the rationality with which his mother had heard the news was a relief to Simon, made its way in the hours following the idea that his calmness was unusual. It was likely that he was intimately processing the information and that he had placed between himself and the uncomfortable reality - that he had always shown - a barrier, not having to face until he had the necessary confirmations. In that case, Simon was convinced that the attitude of Isa would be radically changed and that he would go through hell.

  One of the aspects which were not found in agreement with her was the need to inform you as soon as Fabrizio, even those who were still only suspected, although based on an actual abnormal delay. But playing with her boyfriend, at the beginning of a potentially fabulous history, and risk losing him for the undue haste to empty the bag was a fool. For that, before the evening of that day, Simon decided that tomorrow would buy a pregnancy test in a pharmacy and would have found the answers he sought.

  ***

  Simon had made ​​an appointment to Fabrizio in the center, because that's where they met the first time, excluding the daring adventure of all party ' Omnia , and there their history should find a new direction: one that would lead them to share the pregnancy and the birth of their son. The alternative was that the relationship broke sharply, but even then, Simon was right that happened there, where he was born.

  Arrived first. The day was gray and cold, very different from those sunny with a couple of weeks before, when spring seemed to want to peep before it was his time to go on stage and the streets were semi-deserted, although it was Saturday afternoon. Simon saw a couple of elderly ladies, one was to be the Miglioli, chatting in front of one of the houses facing the main road, and a group of three boys out of the tobacco shop just discarded packets of coupons purchased.

  Fabrizio was slow to come. He had always been very punctual in their appointments until then and Simona, prey to an agitation which had rarely experienced on other occasions, he tried to pass the time walking up and down the road. Mentally repeated the words he could use to explain to Fabrizio, who would become a father and decided he'd better just to avoid that term: Dad . He thought it would be huge, scary, unsettling. Much better to stay neutral and do not get too involved, not the beginning, at least. A simple "aspect of a child" could better adapt to the situation.

  Impatient, Simon sat on one of the benches that were along the edges of the tiny park in the country. Instinctively crossed his legs and began swinging his foot nervously while suspended. Just when expectations Fabrizio, was able to experiment with new and more positive thoughts and assessed for the first time the possibility that what was happening to her would be a gift rather than a loss.

  It would become a mother. She was nineteen and had created completely different projects, but who told her she would not have found better in that role? A child's, to grow, pet, educate. Hear it take shape and life to himself and accompany him to ...

  Fabrizio appeared out of nowhere a few feet from her. It was to be released from the side street where he used to park the car and had taken her by surprise, tearing his reflections. Approached her with a face strangely serious and that, somehow, seemed older, as if in recent days there was covered with wrinkles. Tired was perhaps the right adjective. Even his hair was disheveled and the overall impression was of a tired person, just back from a hard day of work or a stressful experience.

  "Hello" h
e greeted her. "At last we meet again!" Waiting to find the courage to face it, the last day Simon had invented the excuse that he had much to study, to avoid meeting him.

  "True," said, trying to smile, but not trovandosene capable. As soon as she saw Fabrizio forces had abandoned her, her mouth was dry and his heart began to rave. He had a very strong knot in my stomach and knew that the only way to dissolve it was to go straight to the point.

  "How are you? Tired of being on the books? "Fabrizio continued, now in front of her. He bent down and kissed her forehead. It stank of sweat, another element of absolute novelty.

  "Enough," said Simon, without conviction. He did not know how to introduce the topic. "You want to sit here with me?" He wondered how he Fabrizio who had not realized that there was something wrong, then he said that maybe he was just avoiding to ask questions: after all, he was clearly different and she was doing him no attention.

  "Sure," agreed Fabrizio, taking place on the bench. Simon realized that staring oddly and sensed in him a sense of anticipation, which confirmed his feeling: he knew he was going to become aware of important things. Probably also had a notion of truth, after all, was aware of what they had done and most likely his parents had explained that children are not the stork brought them.

  "I tell you something?" Spat fatigue Simona like reliving a deja-vu. The situation recalled the moment in a mirror in which she had confided in her mother.

  "Tell me," he invited Fabrizio, reassuring voice.

  "Do you promise to listen to the end, not ..."

  "Promise."

  "I ..." Simon took a deep breath, closed his eyes and clenched fists. He was experiencing mental fatigue and even physical, as if about to jump with a parachute and fear tend nerves. "I could ... no, I'm ... expecting a baby. From you. "

  He had done it. She managed to say. It was as if the resumption of movement, as if to return the oxygen in his lungs, as if she could free herself from a rope that had tied tight until then. But his heart did not slow down and pumped even harder, because Fabrizio stood in silence for a few seconds, that Simon seemed an endless time.